good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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