If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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