Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
