She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And then my night got REAL pukey
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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