I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
