you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
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Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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