She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
