She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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