have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
