Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
