Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
