So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
