I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
