the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
