You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
