so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
