I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
