Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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