After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
