You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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