I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
