I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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