The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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