Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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