I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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