she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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