Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize