I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
