I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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