after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
