My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
