I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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