I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
