i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
