How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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