In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
