woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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