And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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