GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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