summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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