We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
