you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
