my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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