I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
