So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
