You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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