Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
