Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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