the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
