My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
