Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just invented taco cereal.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
