mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
