Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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