I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
