Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
