The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
