Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
