any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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