you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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