he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
