i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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