no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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