I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
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Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
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We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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